From where I stand

The chaotic yet beautiful endeavors of a freeing spirit

Acceptance

Hello.

I write today, the first time in months. Voila…

I was taking a shower not so long ago tonight, only a couple of hours after rekindling my yoga practice. And in that shower, came flooding through my mind these thoughts. Thoughts of acceptance.

In this consuming, materialistic, comparative, competitive (must I go on?) society, on a daily basis we are faced with many challenges. What I realised today, in the midst of scrubbing myself clean to the bone with a body buffer was that, the biggest challenge that we face, is our relationship that we have with ourself.

I know as a teenager, a female and a human, the external pressures to perform in certain ways according to the societal norms consumes much of my thoughts and emotion. These pressures do not come along state their presence and leave to allow us to carry on with our lives. No, these pressures consume our every moment. The moment we open our eyes, till the moment we close them, we are being bombarded with expectations concerning our bodies, our studies, our relationships and our behaviours.

Tonight, I sat myself down and had a serious talk to myself, I had seriously had enough of my conscience beating myself up constantly. Ladies, an average of 77% of our self talk is negative. So in the average hour that translates to 46 minutes, and in every 24 hours that translates to 18.5 hours of vicious self-doubting negativity. Tonight I allowed myself to be. I stopped comparing myself to how I want to be, how others are, or what I ‘could’ be. I simply allowed myself to be, free of judgement. I had had enough of looking into the mirror and seeing someone that I hate, that isn’t good enough.

The moment that I looked at myself and said, aloud… you are who you are, there is nothing in this moment that you can do to change yourself. You may have an idea of who you’d like to be, or who you are striving to be, but right now, this is who you are. Just accept that.

Being in denial of where you are at any time and striving to be something that you’re not is a recipe for disaster. This denial tends to translate to the rising prevalence of anxiety, depression and many other health disorders. You have to know where you are before you can work out where you’re going.

We waste so many precious moments comparing and judging, and only in being honest and true to ourselves can we actually prosper, thrive and get where we want to be.

Accept yourself.

x

new beginning

why am i so frightened to start afresh?

for the past 5 years ive had the same stable friendship group and a similar outlook on life. in the past year ive discovered so much about myself and my life and how my life and your life are so different yet so connected. how we are all separate yet all one.

i see this every day, i comment on it, every day. yet others just dont try, or (possibly) dont want to look at life from this perspective.

for months and months i have been attempting to find likeminded people who are accepting and openminded to the oneness of our world and so far i have collected two people whose beliefs cross paths with mine.

this is great news, however one is my psychology teacher and the other is leaving to travel west africa in a matter of months.

i understand that life is forever changing however sometimes i believe that i cannot live my life through my beliefs if i am doing it alone.

so today i finally explored out of my comfort zone and reached into the depths of the unknown and i sent a lovely acquaintance a message about attending a mass meditation with me.

it was frightening, i allowed (for a matter of seconds) my human emotions to intertwine with my thoughts and raise my heartbeat.

these emotions abruptly ended when a wave of love and harmony overwhelmed me and swallowed me whole when she accepted my invitation, reassuring me that this is what is to be.

so here i sit, washing away my (what was) unbreakable hold on what i had and where i was in the past 5 years, and now soaking up (and accepting) what is. things are different. change is continuously occurring. and i am ok with that.

i accept that,

now i can let go and move on

xx

Natural Retaliation


 

 

Fiddling

Where do I put my hands?

Chewing

Your lips are not your next meal

Sweating

Not like you’re running a marathon

Tapping

Morse code won’t help you here

Beating

Your heart thinks it’s in a rock band

Panting

Fear not, oxygen is plentiful

Falling

Your vision turns black


Waking

Your eyes try to shield the bright lights

Hearing

Subtle chatter clouds your thoughts

Speaking

Your mouth fails to form the words


Healing

The end of suffering approaches you

Seeing

You reach the opening of the dark tunnel

Asking

Your brain searches for questions

Believing

You think this may just be the end

Cleaning

Your slate is cleared to start afresh


Battling

You remember back to before it changed

Recounting

You tell the broken story unwillingly

Remembering

You look at the scars on your innocent body

Nauseating

You feel the cold night air on your bare skin

Stiffening

You fall rigidly to the unfavourable ground


Shocking

Ma’am, mind you explain what’s on your mind?

Traumatising

What is it that happened on that night?

Regressing

What would you say was your last memory?

Suppressing

Gone


Trick Question

What is lost can always be found

Wind

blows through your hair

Earth

gathers between your toes

Water

divides you and the horizon

Fire

burns in your soul.

Elements

blown by the

Wind

disturb the uncovered

Earth

once sheltered by the depths of the

 

Water

only just surviving the

Fire

You were in your

Element

singing with the

Wind

the only being on

Earth

praising the

Water

for extinguishing the

Fire

Dusting off the

Elements

that were covered in sand by the

Wind

you thank the gods that rule the

Earth

for bringing them back with the

Water

that started the

Fire

That had stolen your

Elements

 

 

Finders, Keepers?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Battle

While ~50’000 VCE students all learn from the same books and are tested on the same things to then be compared against every other student in the state, we must remember that some of us succeed in some areas and struggle in others and to accept that we’re all different and cope with things differently as we can never put ourselves in anyone else’s shoes, every individual experiences their schooling differently and we are not one to judge their achievements and their battles.

So next time YOU judge my battles and my achievements… Remember that.


Yes/no

It’s like a physical ball of fire burning between my eyes
It’s like a knife pushed so far down my throat I can feel it ripping at my stomach lining.
It’s a sense of defeat.
A sense of temporary hatred.
Temporary lust, passion -an erosion of emotions.
The rush causes shivers to run down my body even when the sun is burning at its hottest, leaving my skin scattered with goose bumps.
The blood is pulsing through my veins like a tap has been switched on full stream that triggers the tears to gather and pour down my face.
Never have I felt so invigorated but powerless, so strong yet so weak.

Lies. Lies. Lies. That’s all I can hear. Her in her enraged state was so blinded by her aggression she didn’t notice my suppression of emotions.

I feel engulfed by a being from within, the thought of it’s desire to bring me down to the darkest of dungeons scares me to no end.

My body says yes -take action, defend what’s right
My mind says no -think about your actions, she’s your sister for Christ’s sake.

Bursting

In any way, the sensation of bursting is unpleasant.

Bursting to announce news, bursting to pee, bursting with tears or bursting with anger.

Bursting is not a feeling I truly ever look forward to.

A sensation above simply bursting, is bursting with aggression, or any sort of passion so to speak. These states of mind (and body) allow us to achieve at the best of our ability at that given moment. They allow out instincts to take over and let nature’s juices flow. However, the lead up to these actions, the short yet significant moments that lead to this outburst of passion build within all of the crevices and nooks hidden under our many layers of skin. In turn, making us want to jump out of them and be set free.

Sometimes I associate myself with a balloon. Slowly gliding along in the wind with no worries. And then spontaneously a child (figure of speech) picks me up and blows and blows and blows into me, stretching my rubber until I can only just close. Leaving me to burst at the seam slowly and painfully until I can finally reach my ‘normal’.

There’s something between us

Dear G,
I feel like there’s something between us and I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.
Recently I’ve been feeling so distant from you. It’s like you don’t even notice I’m there most of the time.
When I try to get your attention, you shut me down and when you need to do something for us, you just obliviously ignore it and shun it as if it’s not important.
I can’t continue on like this so please, take a second to get your shit together.

Regards, yourself.

deception

Emptiness is something no one can feel. It is not an emotion but a state of being. At any given time an individual can claim to feel empty though there is too much going on inside one’s mind to be in that state.

Loneliness. Unpleasant emotions of isolation or lack of companionship. How can one feel so isolated when surrounded by ‘loving’ family, friends, acquaintances that want nothing but the best for you?

When someone has given you something you didn’t even think existed in this world love and it was snatched away so carelessly, there is nothing more you thrive for in a day.

No matter how many emotions you suppress or how many emotions you experience evoked by other things. When you’re curled up on your bed with nothing but a hot mug of tea and a buzz of music you once listened to together, there is nothing that can equate to the absolute high he gave you.

You tell yourself that it’s not the end of the world. Night after night it feels like the walls are closing in. You smile and appreciate the good things in life.

Then, you slip from reality, and once again you are empty and lonely.

invisible

as i sit here surrounded by the people i call my friends i question whether they see me or not. whether if i stood up and walked away they would realise that my patch of grass is empty or not.

as they cackle at shallow gossip and reminisce over moments that don’t include my presence, i continue to drift from them; every moment saddening my ever-breaking heart.

im questioning their depth only as i’ve plummeted deep into the corners of my own mind, begging for someone to notice that im functioning on a distant wavelength.

i look to the sky and observe the clouds, with them they bring heavy rainfall to wash away the marks left behind.

after the rain, i’ll start again.